The thoughts in my head.

The thing about life, is being realistic

Category: Thoughts like

It is amazing how glee eps can go from heartbreak to heartwarm. This is what i need on a rainy Satuday afternoon.

Just when I think it can’t get worse, I had a sh-t day (no!)
You had a sh-t day (no!), we’ve had a sh-t day (no!)
I think that life’s too short for this
I’ll pack my ignorance and bliss
I think I’ve had enough of this, Blow me on last kiss

Sometimes I wanna disappear. Before it’s too late.

I did not ever plan to admit this.
Because it will just make me look like a needy fragile person.
And the front I have been giving, the loud carefree cheerful me.
It just doesn’t coincide nor makes any sense.
All inside I am just down down down.

Why must love be like this?
Forever dependent of the other half.

I don’t want it.
I don’t like it.
But I can’t stop it.

I had the monday for RX.
The tuesday for a good family meal.
The wednesday for Shimin.
The thursday for Ken.
The friday for yc and cg where we had frogleg and gasp SOMEONE HAS A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY. YC says froglegs are usually for celebration, but I wonder what were we celebrating. Next up with be crabs. #silent cheer
AND the second group of YAAs I never imagined I could have so much fun with.
Everyone’s just so enthusuatic of the next meeting and so accepting of a newbie me.
And yesterday was the day, since Primary 5, I actually felt and remember how I can lead.

And the Saturday. Perhaps it’s each of us preference, perhaps it’s just not practical for you.
I made the time for you.
The morning just feels like, meh we can always meet up another time.
It’s sian, it’s boring, but it just stops there.
These few weeks, I have definitely learnt to suck it up and accept our each own’s busy schedule.
And then I am thinking, Yeah, Whatever.
B U S Y. Totally. #All sarcasm pun intended.
And then I am just wishing things would eventually turn out differently.
So I hope.
And just wait.
And then complain here.
And continue waiting.
Until I can’t.
Time shall tell.
Because my head burst so badly.
This shouldn’t be the way I get rewarded.
With a throbbing headache.
Chris Daughtry sings, Love will find you. What about now? Before it’s too late.

So the Saturday of Sining’s 21.
Where Jolie and Adeline and Wilson and I shall shop for the present in 2 hours.
And I can’t make time for James and Losh and Teh and JH and movie again.

And Sunday’s SIT open house.
It’s my dad that is getting ridiculous recently.

And Monday. Something to look forward to after work with Alex and Ryan and perhaps Jeremy and 50 big Macs.

And in this entire post I am just thinking, When’s Ben gonna come in?

I don’t want to be only there when you need me. I tried to stop myself and failed.
That’s just the way it is, for me.

You’re my heartbreaker.

Everything was easy. Everything was simple. Never felt so good. It is stuck in my head.


LAWSON PEWPEW MAKES ME WANNA BE A GUY

A chat with a friend left me agreeing, yeah, I guess Simple is all I can be satisfied with.

The importance of goodnight. To me, at least.

These few nights of chat w the darrell is making me a more chilled person. #insertwindybreeze
Thinking less.
Less mindful.
And yes, WHATEVER.

Life feels more of a balance now. There IS time for everyone and everything.
I am sick of school work. But I am pretty sure I will be missing all these in probably three months time.

So yes, I get a GOODNIGHT and here I am alone. When I should be dating my Weekly Report. (THANKS TO LINCOLN’S REMINDER)
But no. I am back here thinking of what the past few months has been.
I thought school work wouldn’t take a toll on us.

GOODNIGHT in 30 minutes.
Wordpress gets another of my goodnight at least. My day feels complete. There was someone to hear my crap and rant with me.

I don’t like rude people.
Not saying goodnight to me is like telling me Bye.
Makes sense.

Day six.
I am getting a better control of my head.

You were a thief. You stole my heart. And I was a willing victim.

“I let you see the parts of me
That weren’t all that pretty
And with every touch you fixed them
Now you’ve been talking in your sleep
Things you never say to me
Tell me that you’ve had enough
Of our love”

“Im sorry I don’t understand where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine
Oh we had everything
Your head is running wild again
My dear we still have everything
And its all in your mind
Yeah but this is happening
You’ve been having real bad dreams
You used to lie so close to me
There’s nothing more than empty sheets
Between out love”

P!nk sings that I gotta get up and try try try.
Many times recently, the thought that shutting down this WordPress would make me feel like there’s a closure to unhappy events.

I know, it’s just the 5th.
When there desire, there’s flames. When there’s flames, someone’s bound to get burn.
But because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die.
Okay that’s the sound.

I am so fearful of what my next step would just ruin things. Everything. Anything.

Was talking to xy about how a gap year would best give me time to think of my goals in life properly.
I don’t want to haste-ly make an Engineering or Social Work or Speech Therapist choice.
I still want to be that pilot.
But then the talk w JY,it is in every female to want to settle down by 30.
Where will that leave my career?

Been talking to D and L more these nights.
More of SISTERS than Bros. Hah!

Tomorrow’s lunch w the Primary school peeps. Gone.
Sunday’s dinner coming up.

But the B that I want to spend time most.
There’s the feel of drift.
I wish we had time for each other.
I wish that busy fag has more time for me.

HF will be down next week.
Probably a relieve.
The stress building up.

At least today was not-so-bad.
Yes, Glee and Smile right now.
I’m gonna get up and try.

The confidence that I actually felt after receiving my paper again.
I’m not the bottom like how I picture myself to be.
Or maybe that’s how I get my motivation.
I am all sighs.
Who talks to herself, man?

“Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to __________________________”

No, one does not act unfillial-ly.

It is going to be wrong of me to cause fightings and arguing over my plan.
I don’t know why something so simple can blow up huge.
I wish to know why everything I do seems to bring an irk to your face.

it’s 2pm, my feet are asking me for a jog. and a run. and best if there would be a lost dog behind me.
Unlike you though, I have a wish to stop running.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. A 19-year old kid who is still learning how to face her family woes.
Falling straight and narrow likea broken arrow.
I can’t stop singing in my head.

And watching RM but it’s not making me any gleeful. Because of her snide sarcastic remarks that has been playing.
My eyes are smaller then Seung Ri’s.
And of all places, here I am talking to myself. And I can’t stop.
And grrrrrrrrrrrrr. The urge to do a swim has arrived.

Rihanna don’t want to do this anymore, But I AM NOT A GIVER-UPPER.

I am so upset that I do not seem to be an understanding person.

Woke up to loud music. To drown off words that I didn’t wish to hear. I started jumping about the house singing. And so I thought about how long my-Friday-to-be has been missed. The feel wasn’t like before, because of a certain someone who really stays in my head for close to the hours that I am awake. Even now so.

No. I am going to dance my ass off on Friday.
To celebrate the Napfa that I somewhat believe I can conquer.

No. I am not going to dance my night and forget about that certain someone.
But somehow, the more I have been opening up my super inner thoughts to him recently, I just feel rejected.

It was actually cute that he thought of how leaving his place in my ‘clubby attire’ would not be a good thing. Agreeing on that, but only IF it was something inappropriate. Note the BUT.

I really thought we could speak to each other about everything. But I guess some things has to be kept to within one’s head. While others should be spoken out to allow better understanding.

It can get hurtful loving someone, but not knowing on what ground are we standing on.
I cannot hardly concentrate on any work when my emotions starts jumping about.
My interim is going to kill me.

The more I want my first love to be my last love.
The more I am in a blank if that’s what he want to.

And I can’t say such things out loud.
Feeling like a hopeless romantic who is clueless about love and what not.

Cupid please strike me hard in my butt for this once.

The parents’ girl who wants to be your everything.

I am starting to see mum’s concern.
I saw how my feelings could just rupture so easily.
I blew my eyes this morning with that stare and that minute slam of the gate lock.
We all lack proper communication. You blow all out, I blow inside.
I want to stop thinking that the issues lie with me. But you’re not helping me. I feel so at fault, it IS horrible.
Mum and him are so alike in character. There’s the presence of love that never want to ever let go. But there’s the spike of emotions that will feel fear of disappointment or making them upset. I end up feeling sooooooo choked up that I am all clogged up with mixed emotions and then the stress with my Napfa and Driving and Degree sheets.
My friends are there for me. But it is not everything that I can throw them with.
I turn to my left and that buddy who I can just shoot anything to right now. I just feel horrible.

It is a complicatedly horrible feeling, I seem to have started to realise I can hardly talk to like how we used to. The so much very comfortable feel that we have right now. Just sitting next to you in silence can calm me down in one simple second. And then when our moment is all over, the dread to leave.

Texting is so so so bad. It just shuts my mouth up when I rely so heavily on it. Sometimes the expressions sent are just screwed up.

We can’t be the best friend and more than friends at the same time can we?

I am so vexed I keep telling myself to shut up thinking.
I have to start on Interim, I have to work on HF Project, I should study QSMM soon, I need to clear Napfa well, I have to be done with Riding and worse, I have not source the scholarship I need and work out what I am going to study.

And then these two person I love so much are making my head spin. I don’t want to think that I have had enough. I ain’t this weak to pull the plug. I don’t want any one last kiss.

I just need some understanding and patience.
I am the one blur lost kid taking all the time in my world to figure my life out.

And this world of mine has have to include you and you in.

Monitoress Young Me.

The word MONITOR sent jolts to my bones. (Too much KARMIN song playing in my head)
But.

Was going through all the Application forms. (YESSSSS This process has finally been done and the selection is done and YAY next step would be meeting them all.) As I was saying, I ended up reading about the applicants and getting awed with their leadership and quite active roles.

Then the word Monitor popped out.
Then the Year 1 flashback where OYH asked for a class chair.
Then my primary 5 flashbacked.

I would have done so.
I ended up dying a quiet life in secondary school.
All because this one teacher who told me I was too kaypoh and wanting to do too much stuff.
Every single time, I do remember my hand would be raised. My classmates probably didnt like the overly enthu me. My teacher probably broke his neck and finally told me to stop being such a volunteer.

I wend home, telling everything to my parents. Some exchanges of letters and what so. But that was not the least important. What said WAS already said.
For the first time I started to grow my consious.
My bubble really broke.
My leadership role went downhill from then.

A primary 2 kid me would happily don on that prefect tie till p5.
But this one incident just snapped me. I didn’t continue my VP role the year after.
The tie felt like a disgrace to me. I didnt dare raise my hands anymore. My grades dropped (At that time, dropping “down” one class was a big SUPER BIG deal to me.)

Sad life in secondary school. The confidence never get back. The enthusiasm was never retrieved.
Until school ended. Until the sec gang entered my life. Until Poly life came. Everything was so vibrant I am daring to be myself again.

But not as un-conscious as when I was younger. Maybe I was a tad bit arrogant with getting things and brains and positions. But I lost them all. With just a word from my teacher.
Not knowing if I bear this “grudge” against him or should be thankful for his bluntness.
I WAS AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD KID WHO LOST ALL HER CONFIDENCE.

So much feelings coming out just by doing this simple handling of application forms.
Because I actually feel that had that ONE EGO CRUSHING incident not happen, I would have led a different story. (Imagine holding a VP role and for the first time in your school history, the VP doesnt proceed to be the P. You just feel pretty fail.)

I would have probably still been obnoxious or a tad little bit more vocal. AND perhaps initiative.

damn damn word. Fighting with my head on how I should react too on some mornings. OKAY, this is digression.

But I am not exactly happy with myself now. When will my assertiveness, decisive, the leader-y Sherilyn return?
I only see the Sherilyn with the shy personality and the one hour talk w Jeru last night make me feel like I am a really easy open book to read.

To teachers out there, YOU CAN REALLY EASILY SIMPLY BREAK A STUDENT Y’ALL KNOW?

OKAY. I have tasks to complete by today.
RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN, hope I’ll be alive for Adeline later. AND HOPING TO GET TO SEE THE FAG TOO SOMEHOW.

Mighty Morphine Power Sherilynnnnnnnnynynynynyn (okay, I do love that show.)

It’s called a Woman’s Intuition. I suppose I am one already!

I really believe in something called Women’s Intuition.
It like the belief females generate, which I believe are mostly true.
It’s not all that ‘psychic’. (Not those, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY thingys)

It’s when you can tell how this one person feels/is feeling.
It’s when you can tell what this one person seems to be expressing.

It’s when you can feel this person dislikes you.
It’s when you can feel this person is hiding soemething.
It’s when you can feel this person is lying.
It’s when you can feel this person is being insincere.
It’s when you can feel (and feel rageyily upset – aka- jelly jealous) that someone likes your guy.

And usually, not FACTLY proven, but you know its true.
Because females do what females do best. They TALK about it.
And then it dawns on you that BOY, DO THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY / ARE THINKING OF THE SAME THING TOO.
And then you’ll feel, DAMN I AM SO RIGHT, and stop doubting yourself, even though you’ve been pretty much convinced of yourself already.

But guys being guys. They can brush these ‘ridiculous ideas’ of yours aside.
Make you go Awwwwww, REAL genuinely, then they’re all you can ever think of after.
Until these ‘this person’ appears and pops up in your life and you feel all so IRK again.

It’s a WHATTHEHECKICANNOT post.
But my first experience on 168 and then again on 858 today.
It is no coincidence and you can really judge from a person’s character if that butt-brush-rub-grope was a mere accident OR.
The LOOK they give you. The SHIFT they uncomfortably shuffle nearer. The PEEP they pounced over your shoulder to see if you’re tattling them out on your phone. (Maybe not the last part, but today’s 858 darkness did so A FEW TIMES.)
It’s when you’re in a crowded place when you don’t know how to say FARK OFF because it’s so squeezy and everyone will just BRUSH IT OFF BECAUSE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

NOTE:
All these YOU-s are made in reference to female beings.
All these THIS PERSON-s are not made in relation to anyone.

I shall take a good care of Alex’s cup right now. He saved mine’s life yesterday. When I had forgotten all about it and went on with work till SEVEN.

Gawddamn 7. It was my choice. NOT whining about anything but this drag and me feeling committed that I had to stay. Ended up with pretty quick night talk w RX. I really had the most enjoyable female session. ALTHOUGH.
And supposedly THE date today, real touched, but HELLO SIGH! It’s not poooooof-proof.

I worry too much about every single party too much that what should be priority and what not are all messed up.
Can some female, WAKE ME UP?

Oh but hang on, I do know my answer, I just need me to be pointed out.

When will my vow appear?

I ended up watching The Vow again.

What if I were to one day ride my bike and lose some memories.
And never find my wordblog again.
Or maybe I will, but it will just feel, was that me?

Fag mentioned precious moments.
It felt heartwarming that he felt like that.
But heartbreaking at the same time.

Time never feels enough when I’m with him.

Thinks unwell people thing.

i – f e e l – s o – l i s t l e s s .

And tired. drowsy. sleepy. yawny.
I have to use this word afterall- D e a d.

Definitely running a temperature right now.
My nose can’t shut-up.
My ears are semi-blocked.

Doctor, I need a doctor, I am about to lose my mind.
Which I did last night.

Things unwell people do:
1) Make Bad decisions (Pink!’s song plays, but that’s alright, welcome toooo my silly life)
– Endanger life and go for riding lessons at night
– Risk sleep and still got for work the next day
– Turn up for work not knowing if IT’S GOOD TO SHOW YOUR ATTENDANCE but risk SPREADING TO EVERYONE (Positive I caught my flu bug HERE first)
– Choose to see the guy you love for that less than an hour and then trying as best as you can to not stick close to him

2) Feel that everyone looks hostile
– Opened the door, some woman – a colleague- was exiting, I was entering, I SMILED, she looked elsewhere
– Press the lift buttons for people, everyone just walks out
– Turns (CAUSE I AM A CURIOUS HUMAN BEING) to whoever who walks past my desk and SMILE, mostly ignored, else asked WHAT’S WRONG. (Okay, that was just once)

3) Cause a hoo-ha at home.
– no one wants to pay for the medical fees
– fighting ensues
– Do I even want to see the Doctor with these Guilty money now?

4) Think about staying at home and rolling about the bed for that 24 hours and wonder WHY did I not spend my weekend at home sleeping instead?

Time to blow my nose hard.
It is HORRIBLE deciding whether to WALK OUT and blow or heck and just blow disgustingly right here right now. Sounds tempting.