you know I cannot do this myself.
I was excited to go home. Kind of. Because it would feel like a weekend.
(but everyone’s screaming and I cannot do my work.)
I no longer yearn for a fancyful one. The dinners at new found places or hanging around clarke quey. Maybe this is for the time being. I do hope so. A little inside.
Part of me is just so too tired. TO be thinking of where to go, what to do during my next free time.
This third week has been hard.
I meant the second week. Trying to fit in any events possible at any of my free spot. It does take my mind of a certain someone. But not for long.
And by this third week. I am coping better.
I no longer want to fit anything in my empty slots. No longer want to be anywhere else trying anything new. Just cosy dinners w people I can be more comfortable with.
And by coping. It is not entirely true academic wise.
I find myself no longer dozing off in class. (Because I wouldn’t bother staying up late to ‘catch up’. Because the catching up is simply copying.) Instead I find my head drifting off wondering what the certain someone could be doing.
I think of about how tough it can be inside.
How he can have a better time inside, merely focusing on coming out tougher, with an accomplishment. And then drift off to thinking how my existence will turn into an obstacle for him. So I snap back to reality and try to pay attention in class. Because I need to work right from the start to attain my first class.
It worked. For an hour or so.
Until I drift back into thinking how little I know of being there for him. And not knowing how to reel him into getting to know me better to.
Not just knowing me better, but actually knowing what I need.
It sucks to be thinking so much all to myself. And not being able to figure a way to feel better.
I shouldn’t be thinking so much.
I can’t help it. These are piling up feelings all stuck somewhere at my bottom, waiting to explode, but knowing there is no way I can let any of them out.
As much as I can express myself, on the outside, it’s all happiness.
I am not someone who can show my unhappiness, least talk about them easily.
As much as I have good listener friends around, they aren’t the one I need to figure things out with.
I cannot blame the shagness. But I just cannot feel you trying.
And your words of “You wouldn’t know” is just much more upsetting because I have been trying in my own ways. Hoping that my letters could prevent any negative mentality from occurring (This apparently looks useless because you have such strong mental strength) or Hoping my iPod can help w better chilling after a tough day (and again you aren’t the music kind, as much as I try to get you to know my music choices well at the same time. i guess I need the iPod more than you do. The hours I spend choosing the songs and syncing them till my perfection.)
If you don’t have the feelings to show right now. Or this is nowhere near what you need. Please tell me. Don’t lead me on anymore.
I am not tired of doing anything for you. I am tired of feeling unappreciated.
It is not words that I just want to hear.
I won’t be asking for anything. If a person really wants to do something, they will put their heart into doing so without being told.
I don’t want to push you. Your trainings must really be taking a toll on you. It really feels like your toppest priority right now. So much so that you don’t have the time for anything else. I can wait, I will wait, till things can settle at a comfortable pace for both of us. These 9 weeks will be the toughest right?
Let’s keep this spark burning for as long as we can both hold on.
Not going to add a question mark because it is an order! Not a choice.
Alright! Until then, I need to muster up and let you know of these thoughts of mine.
And then again, I can never find the right time to talk about any of this with you because meeting you would just erase all these negative sad feelings and then your absence would just bring them all back again.