Monitoress Young Me.
The word MONITOR sent jolts to my bones. (Too much KARMIN song playing in my head)
Was going through all the Application forms. (YESSSSS This process has finally been done and the selection is done and YAY next step would be meeting them all.) As I was saying, I ended up reading about the applicants and getting awed with their leadership and quite active roles.
Then the word Monitor popped out.
Then the Year 1 flashback where OYH asked for a class chair.
Then my primary 5 flashbacked.
I would have done so.
I ended up dying a quiet life in secondary school.
All because this one teacher who told me I was too kaypoh and wanting to do too much stuff.
Every single time, I do remember my hand would be raised. My classmates probably didnt like the overly enthu me. My teacher probably broke his neck and finally told me to stop being such a volunteer.
I wend home, telling everything to my parents. Some exchanges of letters and what so. But that was not the least important. What said WAS already said.
For the first time I started to grow my consious.
My bubble really broke.
My leadership role went downhill from then.
A primary 2 kid me would happily don on that prefect tie till p5.
But this one incident just snapped me. I didn’t continue my VP role the year after.
The tie felt like a disgrace to me. I didnt dare raise my hands anymore. My grades dropped (At that time, dropping “down” one class was a big SUPER BIG deal to me.)
Sad life in secondary school. The confidence never get back. The enthusiasm was never retrieved.
Until school ended. Until the sec gang entered my life. Until Poly life came. Everything was so vibrant I am daring to be myself again.
But not as un-conscious as when I was younger. Maybe I was a tad bit arrogant with getting things and brains and positions. But I lost them all. With just a word from my teacher.
Not knowing if I bear this “grudge” against him or should be thankful for his bluntness.
I WAS AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD KID WHO LOST ALL HER CONFIDENCE.
So much feelings coming out just by doing this simple handling of application forms.
Because I actually feel that had that ONE EGO CRUSHING incident not happen, I would have led a different story. (Imagine holding a VP role and for the first time in your school history, the VP doesnt proceed to be the P. You just feel pretty fail.)
I would have probably still been obnoxious or a tad little bit more vocal. AND perhaps initiative.
damn damn word. Fighting with my head on how I should react too on some mornings. OKAY, this is digression.
But I am not exactly happy with myself now. When will my assertiveness, decisive, the leader-y Sherilyn return?
I only see the Sherilyn with the shy personality and the one hour talk w Jeru last night make me feel like I am a really easy open book to read.
To teachers out there, YOU CAN REALLY EASILY SIMPLY BREAK A STUDENT Y’ALL KNOW?
OKAY. I have tasks to complete by today.
RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN, hope I’ll be alive for Adeline later. AND HOPING TO GET TO SEE THE FAG TOO SOMEHOW.
Mighty Morphine Power Sherilynnnnnnnnynynynynyn (okay, I do love that show.)